JERSEY SHORE IS AWFUL, GROSS TELEVISION

A friend came over and made me dinner – lovely – but as if to tip the generosity scale back towards neutral he also somehow persuaded me to watch the pilot episode of MTV’s JERSEY SHORE, a veritable abortion of a television program, obelisk of worship to all things zeppole, Dep, and fakebake.

Though he did couch it in the following terms: here’s a show the Italian Anti-defamation League is all up in arms about. That’s kind of interesting, I thought naively.

In short, eight or so “Jersey Shore Types” meet up in a pimped-out summerhouse to show off their goods, drink out of Solo cups, and backtalk each other for their unanimously odious drunken behavior. Romance, catfights, the entire gamut of REAL WORLD-esque social dilemma will unfold for our tight-bodied heroes and heroines!!

Yet JERSEY SHORE as a production raises a couple of questions. One: why is this show so fucking Italian-themed. Sure, obviously, it’s Jersey and it’s the shore and a lot – Many! Most! – of the annual pilgrims Haji-ing there way on over for the sausage and peppers at Antonio’s Beach Shack are indeed Italian-American. But with every character calling themselves guido or—good god!—“guidette" and embodying the litany of abhorrent stereotype that would make the average Italian-American literally cringe in horror, the production decision to call this simply JERSEY SHORE and not DAT’S A SPICY-A JERSEY SHORE is, at best, deceptive.

Secondly, why now? Last night the weather finally turned December-appropriate, it could have even snowed. Antonio’s is boarded up and barren until next May, when the bikini-and-board shorts set reemerges from Passaic and environs. Why now are we watching the frolicking hedonism of Gotti wannabes in a consequence-free and physically repulsive environment? I’m sure it’s part of MTV’s roll out strategy – wish fulfillment on the chilliest of December nights – but something about the untimeliness of it’s premiere should raise a disingenuous flag or two.

Which brings me to my third major question: why the hell is every cast member so unattractive? At one point, when the first of the GUIDETTES arrived and the GUIDOS began splaying their proverbial feathers, my Australian roommate, quizzical and sincere, noted “oh look they find each other attractive.” It occurred to us that maybe, while we may find “fake bake” and filthy language and barren, idealess whore-mongering as unattractive (even repulsive) maybe we just weren’t the audience. Think of it as an ethnographic film, my friend said. That helped a little.

But of course these people don’t really exist, expect when they do, in which case they scarcely need a normalizing force as omnipotent as MTV to mirror their absurdity. Sure, people may indeed walk this earth who refer to themselves as “The Situation” (because “my abs are so ripped, it’s like a situation"), but for the love of god let them grow out of it and not make them minor, inglorious pop-celebrities. What is the message of JERSEY SHORE, if not: you can be as awful as you want to be – don’t let those skinny bitches tear you down! Is this really worth the 30 bucks or so that apparently went into the production of this show. I’d rather get a couple of pizzas.

But, you know, it’s MTV, and faith in MTV is misguided at best. So more of a criticism of this program I call SHENNANINGANS on anyone who tunes in to this terrible, bigoted, distasteful, retrograde hour. It should not only be cancelled but its executive producers should be strapped in a too-cold Jacuzzi and forced to listen to 400 consecutive hours of Bon Jovi while girls with whiny voices croon some hacked-up version of it’s already anathematic lyrics into their greedy, greasy little ears. Real Italian-Americans, New Jerseyians, MTV watchers, and human beings should recoil and just how loathsome primetime can get.

And people will watch it, because it's candy TV, and as long as we slap it with the "guilty pleasure" label it's okay. Right? Right?



RIGHT?
Va fongul!!!